Have you ever noticed that when life goes crazy, I mean really out of control, you cling to the things that are controlled?  I realized that I find much comfort in liturgical prayer and worship.  I also realized that there is nothing that brings me more happiness than family and dear friends.

I returned from camping today.  Getting out the door to go camping is always a chore that leaves me asking on the drive to the camp site, "Is this really worth it?"  The answer is always "YES"!  It is sooo worth it.  Life slows down to a manageable pace when camping.  Where we camped this past week, did not have cell phone access.  Ahhhh!

Keith and Jamie came for a night and Sarah came for 2 nights.  I was able to read almost an entire book in one of the Amish series I love.  Sarah and I made a fabulous table runner by hand.  That will be a treasured memory.  Scott is still hunting in the woods for another week.  Someone gave us a deer this week!  What a blessing.  Scott had only shot one so far and it was barely big enough to shoot.  I joked with Scott that there was no use processing it.  I would just throw its legs in the oven and roast them, they were so small.  So, getting a deer given to us was a big blessing, since that is pretty much the only red meat we eat.

Scott gave me a special christmas/hanukkah gift.  He informed me that he is having men come and build me a goat pen, goat houses and milking stand.  YIPPEE!!  Of course, you know I immediately asked about a chicken house.  Love chickens!! 

When Sarah heard that we were getting boer goats for meat, she said, "Are things really that bad Mom?!"  I said, "yep, Dad's only got one dear this year and it was little (truth be told, I think he glued fake horns on it to make it legal).  So, yea, we have to eat goat!"  she shrieked~  I smiled.

Well, I have to finish getting ready for a Heartsaver CPR Instructor course tomorrow.  Hope everyone is having a joyful holiday season.

To give you a little back ground on this book I'm reading, "A Grief Observed".  The book is actually CS Lewis' journal from when his wife was ill and then died from cancer.  I have to say CS Lewis is far more articulate than I could ever hope to be.  Sometimes, I'm thankful I'm not as deep as this guy.  Some of his thoughts are overwhelming while others I can totally relate to.  I also think that journals are normally looked upon as very private things, that you don't necessarily expect others to read, much less be published for whosoever will~  so, journals are generally safe things to let your thoughts run a muck without fear of reprise.

With that being said, I hope you won't think to poorly of CS Lewis for some of things he says/feels.  But I must share some of his thoughts.  Maybe you will be better prepared - armed with a real knowledge and not a religious fantasy concerning things that absolutely don't make sense.  Why shouldn't we ask the hard questions of G-d?  Why not be transparent in our pain and struggle to make sense of the "Word" we have been taught and what life actually dishes out.

One thing I loved about Jordan was he was always very grounded, very down to earth, very practical and very real.  His love for G-d was fierce and it was genuine. But he was also the first to say, "What the hell?!  This don't add up?"  He was hungry for truth - real truth; truth you can trust and base your life off of. 

I am too.  That is where I have wanted to live since I had my first G-d encounter at 13.  The pursuit of truth sometimes takes us places we don't want to go.  Then what?!  What happens when the truth you find isn't the truth you thought you knew?  The crazy thing is you asked G-d to not let you be deceived in believing things that were not true about HIM or HIS kingdom.  Sometimes I wish I had put a disclaimer on those prayers. . . . "Father, please teach me about you.  Show me your true nature.  Please protect me from deception.  Cause the eyes of my understanding to be opened. . .  [here's the disclaimer]  only if it doesn't cause confusion, pain or hardship and only if it doesn't mess with my belief system or my religious institution's belief system.    HA!!

So, I like to think my ramblings during this terrible time of life are indeed normal and Jordan would also be asking the same questions if he were still living and I was the one dead.  With that said, here are a couple of more CS Lewis quotes from his journal.

"Why do I make room in my mind for such filth and nonsense?[thoughts of is G-d really good?]  Do I hope that if feeling disguises itself as thought I shall feel less?  Aren't all these notes the senseless writhings of a man who won't accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it?Who still thinks there is some device (if only he could find it) which will make pain not to be pain.  It doesn't really matter whether you grip the arms of the dentist's chair or let your hands lie in your lap.  The drill drills on.

And grief still feels like fear.  Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense.  Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen.  It gives life a permanently provisional feeling.  It doesn't seem worth starting anything.  "

On another subject. . .   I have come to a place and time when I believe I am done with expressive worship.  I began to feel this before Jordan was sick.  At first I thought, oh, you just don't have an active troop to worship with.  Then I tried asking my Pastor about a troop at our church.  I never got an answer.  Sometimes it is nicer to hear nothing than to hear, "no".  :0)   Any way, it has now been since Passover of 08 since I danced.  I had a feeling the dance that was choreographed had more meaning than just Passover. . . .  any whoot - I digress, I believe that season is over - at least for a good while.  At my age, a while is not a good thing.  One gets stiff and sore - ew, I digress again!  I have cleaned out my expressive worship garments and tools and have begun giving away stuff.  You know in some ways the feeling is simular to the grief I feel from loosing Jordan.  I have devoted a good deal of my life to expressive worship and warfare and for it to end like this. . .  WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?!  Definitely not the glorious ending I envisioned~ HA!  I always envisioned dancing until I couldn't, then sitting in a wheel chair, dancing from there, then going on to glory.  My funeral would be an extravagant worship service with timbrelist leading my coffin down the isle, while flagging warriors beat and waved the flags of victory on stage waiting for my grand, dead entrance!!  AHHHH!  what a picture! 

Okay, okay - I know it sounds obserd, but I really pictured it that way!  Yes, I'm laughing too!  See what I mean about religious fantasy!  I bet G-d has that same feeling you just did reading my silly end-o-dance-funeral vision about some of the silliness we believe.

Well, I think I'm going to close for tonight.  Hanukkah is near!  Hope your holidays season is full of joy!

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has sent food and cards to the Schmid and Stephen families.  We appreciate your kindness.

With that said, I guess it is time to catch everyone up.  Many of you have been asking how we are.  I suppose we are pretty much as you would expect - extremely sad and grieving.  Daily we have moments of missing Jordan desperately.  But we also have moments of joy as we remember special times with Jordan. 

Sarah and Jordan's home was vandalized and pretty much everything of value taken this past Wednesday.  We were overwhelmed by this senseless act of violence.  The L-rd heard Scott's cry for judgement and justice.  We heard Saturday that the thieves have jailed on different charges, drug possession, fleeing the scene of an accident, attempted murder - just to name a few.  The police search the thieves house and found Jordan's and Sarah's birth certificates, social security cards, checks and other items that were taken from their home.  The items have been impounded by the police until the thieves hearing.  We are praying that everything will be returned that has not been destroyed. 

My "Momma" is back in the hospital.  She was rushed there on Friday afternoon.  Tests have revealed infection in her colon along with a couple of blockages.  They are trying to determine if the obstructions are due to a twisted colon or if her pancreatic cancer has spread.  Momma is 84 and more than ready to be done with this life.  I pray G-d will have mercy on her.

I am taking life one day at a time these days.  Some days are pretty good - those would be the busy ones.  One good week was when we took the family to St. Simon Island.  My new picture is a St. Simon sunset.  It was a beautiful place.  It gave us an opportunity to disconnect and just be still.  G-d was indeed good to us. 

Well, Scott is wanting to talk, so I better sign off for now.